Or Summertime Sadness. But summer isn’t really a season here so we’ll just stick with September Blues.
For a good part of this month, I didn’t feel quite like myself. I felt very unmotivated and disconnected from myself. At first I thought it was the usual, me being dramatic and in my feelings over absolutely nothing. But this was a wave that refused to pass.
It was ironic as I had started the month so ambitious and motivated. August had been a good month and I was going to take things to the next level in September. I had even written out a to-do list for the month so you know I meant serious business.
But as the days went by, I couldn’t bring myself to do most of the things I wanted to, I was unwilling and unmotivated. My goals sat idle on my list and it was unsettling. I was miserable.
Things got a bit theatric when I started having sleeping problems. I finally sought for help, and it turned out I had been experiencing some potent anxiety. To deal with it, I had to identify my major stress agent and tell them to chill.
After I searched high into the mountains, low into the valleys, swam across oceans and traveled many deserts, I identified the culprit.
It was school. (What a surprise there.)
A few days ago, as I spent hours talking and laughing with my friend, I noticed that a recurrent item in our conversation was school, how it was a significant cause of unhappiness for us, and how we just couldn’t wait to be done.
I don’t like school very much. There’s a genuine sadness and uneasiness that washes over me in anticipation of a new school week. There are times, usually when I’ve spent extended hours in school, when I feel something very close to suffocation and I just run away for my life. It’s something I hope I’ll understand later.
Now would be a good time to mention that my current clinical posting has been the slums, but that deserves it’s own very different and angry blog post.
The truth is adulting comes with promises of these seasons of anxiety and the associated feelings of depression. So what does one do when the darkness creeps in and threatens to engulf you? When that blue cloud just refuses to leave?
One of my favorite pastimes is to go through old pictures from some of my favorite memories. Not as a way of avoiding the future and living in the past, but as a reminder of what I was doing and who I was spending time with at the moment that gave me joy.
I spend time with people I love. I could go home for a day, or go to a friend’s room and spend hours talking and laughing about the most silly of things. I also like to read the most dramatic of David’s Psalms, because that man could relate.
I watch Daddy’s Little Girls again or see old Naruto episodes. I buy ice cream. I visit a bookstore and spend hours there until they chase me out for buying nothing. Sometimes I buy a new book. I cook spaghetti. I have days specifically designated for not going to school because this life is only one.Last weekend I threw caution (and money) to the wind, and went around the city to have fun with my girls. I’m currently broke but I’m alive and isn’t that what really matters?
So the next time that blue cloud comes and threatens to envelop you, take a break to look at the things and people that make you smile. Remember to fill the present, so your fears and concerns don’t consume them. Fill your day with little pockets of happiness.
Soon enough, the sun will shine again.